Ok so this is my first blog ever and whilst ive never felt the compulsion to do this kinda thing my inate lazyness will surley keep me from writting a diary. So, as with most things in my life ive suddenly realised that i fucked up way too late in the day too do anything about it. suffice to say another (once) promising relationship has fallen by the wayside in a haze of lackadasical drinking and insecurity.
so going back 6 months (queue dreamy music) im happily engaged to a beautiful, intellegent (and more importantly) younger woman. things are floating through like a turd in the thames when all of a sudden previous failings and misdemeanours (on other parties parts) inexplicably show their scabby rotten little heads as if from nowhere. i wont go into details cos frankly they're boring and also im kinda embaressed as to how i reacted but for the sake of argument lets just say i had reason to suspect the dirty was being done. now i dont know about u but when theres a suspicion in your mind it completely occupies my every waking thought. this completely took over my life and whilst i should have had the balls to say something i didnt maybe it was the fear of rejection or just hearing flat out "yeah, i have, deal with it or go fuck yourself" that it took several months of thinking back over previous conversations and her behaviour that i was all but convinced that she was indeed, for want of a better phrase, getting plowed by another before i actually grew a set and said something. now im aware that in this kind of situation it takes a certain kind of ballsy person to flat out admit that something has been going on but i recieved a flat out denial despite all my "evidence" that i had garnered over the previous few months. i should point out that some things, again i shant go into specifics, were pretty fucking crystal clear even to the most myopic of us. so in the face of this my options seemed two fold. a) get the fuck over it u fucking paranoid cock or b) get fucking rid. needless to say being somewhat callow i opted for option......c. sorry i missed that one out, ahem option c) back down, apologise for accusations despite her having no real explanation for what u have confronted her with and pretend everything is ok until the thought of searching out a non chaffing rope doesnt sound too far from a good idea. now i should admit that things were never perfect and i drank every day pretty much all the while this was occuring as like most modern men of my generation beer is always the answer which was a bugbear of hers as was my lack of giving a fuck about anyone other than myself, her and my friends. i never claimed to be a philanthropist and despite pointing out that when we met she told me the initail reason she liked me was my "fuck everyone" attitude, this aparantly carried no weight as she now had to deal with the fact that it was not posing it was in actual fact reality. i seem to be drifting from anything resembeling a point. essentially despite all my concerns with her monogamy i couldnt bring myself to end it until the day i came into quite alot of money. (now im not talking millions by any means but for someone such as myself, a humble builder, part time alcoholic, part time musician) a substantial amount. all of a sudden my "fuck everyone" attitude kicked in and "fuck it, ive got issues with her and her apparent (read possible) lack of honesty, i dont need her, i'll go travelling, get over her in a heartbeat and have the time of my life." so i made the biggest decision i think ive ever had to make and told her things werent working and i think we should go our seperate ways. this was met with tears but total agreement on her part. a weight almost instantly lifted from my shoulders and relief set in, counterbalanced by upset (i may be an arsehole sometimes but hey, i do have a heart). still the (misguided) thought of "hey i have money ill disapear" was abundant in my mind and i set about planning to go and see some of the world and meet countless other women who would be utterly charmed by my scruffy estuary english brogue and my prematurly greying locks (im 28). two weeks later and i arrived in Sydney, australia with nothing but 5 black t-shirts 2 pairs of shorts and one set of bad teeth to my name. after peeling myself from my seat on the plane after 20 hours and 7 pound beers i eventually trudged through the doors of my hostel and wearily slapped my reservation voucher on the reception desk. after the formalities of the rude swedish receptionist were through i trudged 5million steps to my floor. with nothing but thoughts of sleep and the possibility of an alcoholic beverage later i swung open the door to my floor to be greeted by none other than one of my ex's friends. this needless to say was not what i was hoping for and exhalled loudly in a manner which could only suggest that i wasnt too happy with seeing this person. i have to admit that i was rather rude to this poor fellow, it wasnt his fault that he knew my ex-fiance but FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! i honestly couldnt have travelled any further around the world (with exception of NZ) to try and forget and the first image of my trip was this gurning fool. i procedded to do what any self respecting englishman would do and fucked sleep off and hit the pub.......at 11am.
ok so this was my first day in OZ and its 2weeks later now. after countless facebook messages from "her" telling me she still loves me but she never wants me back and vain attempts at asking if we can be friends?!! (how the fuck can anyone remain friends with someone they love? i mean, i understand that some may take comfort in being able to talk and share memories with their former beloved but.....actually no thats bollocks i dont see how anyone can do that, maybe i just get too emotionally attached and the worry of them moving on before u is surely easier if u just dont fucking know.) i made the ultimate decision, something that in todays society is up there with spitting in someones face or calling them a c**t or indeed smashing their face in with a bat, thats right..........i deleted her from facebook. now please dont judge me too harshly this was not something i took lightly but sometimes u just have to man up and do the right thing!!! now obviously i dont really take facebook anywhere near this seriously and (hopefully) clearly i jest but what else can u do eh?! its not like i can go around there and just tell her to leave me the fuck alone at the moment and frankly it's quite embarassing to realise that she is quite clearly now going to be taking the chronic piss out of me as the ex who put his foot down and asserted his manly power by.....deleting her from facebook. maybe this ironicly is true though after all i thought there may have been something going on behind my back and did nothing about it for months then when i did i backed down with no satisfactory anwer. Am i really that guy? well i guess maybe i am and maybe ive just answered my own question.
anyway this blog is really just my way of expelling all the hot air thats building up inside me and also just a way to try and clear my head and enjoy my trip. if no-one reads this then thats fine and if anyone does then cool. im aware that i may have come off a little "woe is me" here and for that i apologise after all i drank like a motherfucker and spent most evenings at wing chun classes but hey no-one perfect right?! i should also point out that whilst i drank most days it wasnt to the point of anihilation but none the less i have to admit it is a problem.
anyway thats more than enough for one day, more posts will surely follow and hopefully there will be some light hearted moments and some cool memories from my trip.
Laters
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